Greetings Old people,
Why is it we're told to respect old people? they're just the same cheating, lieing jerks the rest of us are, only older. Fuck them and their dentures.
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Oi! Idiot toddler at the doctor's office,
I was recently seeing a doctor for a problem with my medication. I was also really, really drunk the night before. My head is throbbing, and it feels like there is a small woodland creature clawing at the backs of my eyeballs.
There are a mother and some stupid fucking toddler seated on the other side of the waiting room. The jackass is playing with some blocks and toy cars like a complete dipshit. I've already tolerated five minutes of his car noises and the outdated pile of magazines through which I've been flipping.
So this fucking kid starts flipping the light switch on and off like this is some kind of waiting room rave party. I figure that his mother will get him to stop, but she does NOTHING. He keeps this up for literally thirty to forty seconds.
As it turns out, the receptionist actually leaves her post at the desk and asks him to stop. The mother does nothing the entire time, not even a half-assed apology. I felt like stuffing last May's issue of "Business Week" down her fucking throat page by page. Then I fantasized about giving the toddler a solid boot the the head. He couldn't take me, he's just a stupid fucking toddler. Toddlers can't fight worth shit.
Oi! Loud people in public,
I'm just trying to enjoy my sushi.
Then your fucking stupid infant deigns to open his/her (stupid fucking infants are all equally ugly and androgynous in appearance) idiot, toothless mouth and start wailing like an asshole. Seriously, people just aren't supposed to scream in public; I couldn't care less about their age. Just shut that kid the fuck up. I don't care what it takes, you could put some scotch in its bottle for all I care.
Next, old people with hearing aids. Some dinosaurs with liver spots just conned their way into a senior citizen discount. They also used nineteen fucking coupons and held up the entire line. Anyway, they are currently seated across from one another in a booth. "I told you no pickles," the man yells through his unconvincing dentures. Just turn up the fucking volume on that hearing aid, I know it has multiple settings. You probably conned the government into paying for that shit too.
I think I may be treading the line of racism here, but fuck it. Black women are so loud in public. They are always screaming at their children and "tryin' to holla" at they "gurlfriends." As far as I can tell, Loqueeshaniqua, you do not need a hearing aid. So turn it down a notch, fucker.
Greetings Girls who refuse to give blowjobs,
Picture this, you're hooking up with some girl. Things have progressed to the point where you are both unclothed.
She starts giving you some shitty handjob, dry. She literally grabs your penis like it is a television remote without a modicum of tact.
Then, she just tries to hop right on it. I'm sorry, but you've forgotten a crucial step in the process.
And to top it off, this is not a one-time deal. You've actually been hooking up with this girl semi-routinely, to the point where she is comfortable with having unprotected sex.
I don't know, this is just a pet peeve of mine. Just return the favor.
Oi! Parking Meter Police,
So I'm driving downtown yesterday to pick up a book that I need for a course. Anyway, after driving around for literally ten minutes just looking for a parking spot, I finally nab one and have to parallel park on a busy road. Of course fucking idiots blared on their horn the entire time.
Much to my dismay, the meter only accepts quarters. I have one quarter, but around ten to twelve dimes and nickels. Apparently one quarter only gets you fifteen minutes on this particular machine.
So I hustle down two blocks or so to the book store, and the fuckers apparently have the book in stock, but neglected to put it on the shelf, where there was an empty space for my particular course. The fucker takes his sweet time getting the book from the back room, and comes back reeking of smoke. I think he took a cigarette break while "looking"
for it. I buy the book and return to my car.
I see the meter checker fuckhead leaning over my car and just looking at the meter. Luckily, there are two minutes remaining. I have a short temper, so I am pretty pissed off at this point. "Get a real job, dipshit," I say to this Neanderthal. He tells me to have some respect for law enforcement. "You're not a real cop," I inform him. "You're literally just standing there watching numbers count down on an LCD screen. How long have you just been standing here gaping like a fucking moron?"
Incidentally, I ranted at this moron for over two minutes. He has the audacity to try to write me a ticket while I stand there. I just pull off before the fuckhead has a chance to write down my plate number.
Fucking idiot.
Oi! Snakes,
I think snakes are lazy. I founda snake hole and there was no snake in there.
shit head snake.
Hey my elusive ass quack of a fucking english teacher,
so the first day of school i tell my english teacher, who I've had 2 or three times in high school, that i need a letter of recommendation for college and that it is due november 30th so i need it at least post marked by then if not earlier. he tells me i need to give him a brag sheet and a high school transcript as well as a in person meeting with him after school at some point. so i give him the shit, and i meet with him for an hour and a half after school one day. he tells me he'll have the letter to me ASAP. which was cool, except he said that October 5 and i heard nothing from him until he calls me the weekend of the 22nd Sunday night saying he lost all his notes and that he forgot my brag sheet and my transcript at school so he want to do ANOTHER interview over the phone right then and there. so i waste another hour of my time talking to him and then he promises to have it to me by monday, but then doesnt show up for a week nor does he reply to phone calls or emails. so he shows up monday the fucking 30th of november and says "uh i forgot to do that sorry i was sick, ill get that to you tomoro after school." so i wasnt able to apply to the school i wanted, and was given the run around for a month and a half and when i yelled at my teacher i got suspended for cussing and breaking his white boards with his bike.
thanks a lot you son of a bitch
Greetings Dena,
i know your job is to keep our school safe, and enforce the rules, but your such a god damn bitch. every time i see you, you ruin my day, by suspending me, taking my phone away and just being a huge bitch in general. everybody in the entire school hates you. I'm not a real aggressive person, but if you keep this shit up, its going to be fucking bad for you.
Sincerely,
Every god damned person that goes to this god damned school.
Hey the raccoons who go in my backyard at night,
You come into my backyard, fuck up my plants, my garbage and my back door. You make so much god damn racket that i cant get to fucking sleep. its 2 in the god damn morning for christ sake! on a fucking wednesday!
So i go in the back with my god damn airgun and put an end to the menace. Just so happens that my dumb cunt of a neighbor sees the raccoons as friends, and my airgun as the menace. Theres a god damn law against airguns in the city, but no fucking law against beleaguering raccoons in my backyard at two in the god damn morning on a god damn wednesday! What the FUCK!!!
Greetings Sue Bradford,
I am so fucking glad you are leaving NewZealand politics to the professionals... You have been nothing but a shit stain on the political process of New Zealand, and have done nothing but try to turn our beautiful country into a Facistly Liberal society... Fuck you, eat your goddam tofu and die bitch